What women want.

This term in my sociology class I have to do a presentation on socialization. The presentation involves reading an article then arguing either for or against the question posed in the article, and I was assigned to the “pro” side. So imagine my unhappiness last week when I saw that the article’s question, and thus what I will have to argue in support of, is “Should mothers stay at home with their children?” COME ON! As a modern feminist, I did NOT want to argue that mothers should be the ones to stay at home – didn’t feminists spend years arguing that women should have the option of working too? So I shared my displeasure in my Facebook status, and got an AMAZING response from my peers. The dialogue that my status started was fantastic; I was super excited to be a part in such a stimulating conversation with other women, and for all of us to share and debate our views. With permission from the ladies who participated (minus two, who I labeled as “Anonymous”) I posted my status and the comments below, because I felt like it just HAD to be shared more. And in the end, I discovered that we all agreed on the same thing – when it comes to making decisions on whether to work or raise children, women should be allowed to do what they want!

Tasha For my sociology presentation I have to argue in FAVOUR of mothers staying at home with their children. Not even kidding. FML

CH My husband will be staying home with our second child. I am woman hear me roar! LOL

KL Isn’t it offensive to women that so many people view staying home with your children anti-feminist?

CH I was a stay at home mom for 10 weeks, and I loved every second of it; however I do not like that women are expected to stay at home and looked down on if they do not, as I was for returning to work so soon. There are a lot of stereotypes to this. For women who choose to stay at home because they want to, they can afford to and it was ultimately their choice, all the power to them. However it would be nice to see more men taking paternity leave as I feel women tend to sacrifice so much all the time. Thus my husband taking paternity leave for our second child.

KL I would agree with that. It is a shame that such opinions exist. If a woman chooses to stay home and raise children it shouldn’t be viewed as a sacrifice. It was a choice, and personally I see no difference in excelling in work or raising a few great individuals to populate the world.

Tasha The anti-feminist part of women staying at home to raise children is that it is often expected of them, and used to be demanded of them, that’s all. Feminism is all about choice.

KL I think it is offensive to women who have chosen (even if it was an expectation) to stay home that it is something wrong. I had a stay at home mother who always said her greatest accomplishment was raising myself and my sisters, and hoped that we would be able to one day raise our own children as well. This is a university educated women who was made to feel by other women that she was not utilizing her talents properly because she wanted to raise her own children. So I believe although the stereotype that women should stay at home is wrong, the idea that there is anything wrong with a women staying at home is equally wrong.

MC I agree. My mother was also a stay at home mother, and there is a lot of judgement of this choice; many see it as anti-feminist and not a legitimate career choice. There are a lot of benefits to a parent (either a mother or father) staying home but our society places little value on it. I disagree that it is expected of women to stay home, I think more and more it is expected that women will return to work as quickly as possible.

Anonymous #1 I think there is no one better to raise a child than their own mother, and if you aren’t prepared to stay at home with your children maybe you should wait to have them.

Tasha I never said women who choose to stay at home are making the “wrong” choice. I’m just against women feeling like they don’t have a choice. I’m annoyed that I have to argue FOR women staying at home because in the past it’s been the argument that’s been used to FORCE women to stay at home for so long.
@ MC: Males still get mocked nowadays for being stay-at-home-dads, which is a reason why I believe that it’s still expected that the mother will stay home and not the father.

CH I think that being a stay at home mother is one of the hardest jobs there is, you have to be a doctor, teacher, coach, mentor, role model, nurse, daycare provider, chef, maid, disciplinary and those are just to name a few roles that a mom is required to be at any given time. I think that the bond between a mother and her children especially those who have had a stay at home mom, is something that is truly beautiful and special as not everyone is fortunate enough to have a parent whether it be the mother or the father stay home and raise them as a full time job. I think the point here is not that this is personal against any individual or their mother but that the choice was to stay home, and the view here is pro choice not the actual action of staying home itself. It is sad that mothers that do choose to stay home are looked at as conforming to some ideal that women are meant to be at home and rear the children, however this stereotype is in place due to the fact that this was the way of life at one point. Everyone has a choice and that is what is important, that women can NOW choose to stay at home. I agree with you Tasha, people tease my husband at his work and call me his “Sugar Mama”, because he is playing the “women’s” role and I am playing the “men’s”.

KL But women aren’t being forced to stay at home today, so arguing about the good aspects that come from having a stay at home parent is not demeaning to women.

MC Absolutely, and I don’t think that’s right either. I think it’s beneficial for the children to have a parent at home, and if the father is more suited to it or in a better position to, why not? Just the wording of your original status made me think that you saw it as anti-feminist for a woman to stay home, which is an attitude I find very backwards, because as you say, feminism is about choice and we should celebrate being a mother as a legitimate choice that has many benefits.

CH Well put!

KL I would strongly agree with Marley’s comment. That is exactly how I felt as well.

VO I agree on the freedom of choice comment. It’s not about whether we want to or not (that’s a personal choice, underline, PERSONAL) but it’s about the perceived requirement and stigmatization when someone doesn’t conform and then lack of support for either way. Choose to stay home, then maybe your job will “disappear” or you don’t get that promotion because you’re of childbearing age. Or you take minimal leave & work and society vilifies you as a terrible mother & you still might not get a promotion since you’re of childbearing age…. It’s just another argument for the glass bird cage. And I also agree your choice of phrasing in your status was poor & offensive to some. Like ME! I want to stay home with my kids but I also want a career!!!

CH As a young mother I can tell you wanting to focus on your career and trying to be the best mom is a tough battle. Some can have both, but sometimes life does not allow you to have both!

Anonymous #2 We had a choice as to whether we should or should not go back to work? Wow, who knew? The decision was pretty much made for me; did I want to be able to own and home, save for a retirement, put braces on my kid’s teeth? Yup I did so back to work I went

CH I hear ya!

VO Haha, there is always a choice, regardless of how much one option is impractical. But yea, that’s what I mean by we don’t have a choice really

Tasha Loooooooook at all of this dialogue! Loves it Will read it and respond to specifics once I’m not in class, lol.
General comments: I apologize if I offended anyone with my status. I was aware when posting my status that it seemed like a blanket statement and could be easily misunderstood, but I also knew/hoped it would receive a lot of comments and I could explain. Plus I like starting conversations like this one so sometimes I make such statements on purpose, heh and did not want to write a story for my status. Those who know me well know that I’m a feminist who still wants to have a career AND raise kids. We can do what we want ladies!
@ Anonymous #1: I do not necessarily agree with your belief that the mother is always the best person to raise a child. My mother went back to work full time after her maternity leave was up and I had a full-time baby-sitter who took care of me every day until I was 11 years old. Does that mean that my mom could have done a better job of raising me if she had stayed at home? I’m pretty sure my mother did a great job raising me, and because she (and her mother before her) was able to work a full-time job AND raise children well is one of the reasons why I consider her a role model to me. Going further into this, what about babies who lose their mother in childbirth or for whatever other reason? Or babies that are given up for adoption – which can often be the best outcome for a baby in some cases. Or how about mothers who HAVE to go back to work so that they can afford to raise their children? Are these children going to be at a disadvantage when it comes to children that were raised by stay-at-home-moms? Not necessarily. And then there’s the whole idea of gay male couples wanting to raise a child too, where the biological mother will obviously not be playing a role. There are so many other completely functional and beneficial options when it comes to raising children besides the biological mother, options that I believe can be just as good if not better at times.
@ KL and MC: Again I disagree when you say women today are not being forced to stay at home. Many of the things Val mentioned in her comment are not as strong as they once were but definitely still apply today to women who choose to go back to work: perceived stigmatization from other people including other mothers; lack of support from workplace, family, friends, etc.; stalled promotion; discrimination for being of childbearing age; etc. Look at my cousin’s post about how her husband is mocked for being the stay-at-home-dad. Not all guys could handle that. I myself know some guys from today’s generation who have voiced concerned opinions about not being the “breadwinner”, including a guy I dated who would have been making less than me once I’m a nurse. Some women would then unfortunately “choose” to stay at home to preserve the egos of their boyfriends/husbands, for example. Also the idea that women make better mothers because they are more “emotional”, “nurturing”, “caring”, etc. is still believed today. I hear the same about women being nurses, and this belief is likely why 90%+ of nurses are females. Plus there’s the fact that there is STILL a wage gap between genders, as in women are still making less than males in the workplace. So let’s say that when a women is sitting down with her husband and they are deciding who should stay home with the new baby, the woman could have the exact same job as the husband but she would be making less money, so then it might be decided that she should stay at home and raise the child because he makes more and thus should continue working. This may come off as the woman’s “choice” but in reality, the woman is being paid less for no legitimate reason and it is completely out of her control, and it is the result of the patriarchal society that we still live in today. I recognize that we don’t live in the “Mad Men” era lol, but I firmly believe there are still influencing factors out there that pressure women to take the mat leave/stay home and raise their kids.

MF I know it’s not the normal practice nowadays to have a “stay at home mom” as most mothers only take one year off work than ship their kids off to daycare where they can be mass-raised by different people everyday who never can spend any one-on-one time with your child in particular. They only throw toys at them when they’re annoying and tell them when to sleep even when they’re not tired. I may have had some opinions in the past, but if I lived in a house where I had the financial freedom to be a stay at home mom, I would in a heartbeat. Just think about how beneficial it would be to your child’s bond with you, and their development if you could be there for them all the time instead of rushing home after work just to quickly feed them dinner, maybe get an hour of bonding time in before you have to send them to bed and repeat the process. I bet if you ask anyone who actually had a full time stay at home parent, they would say that they had a happy, well-balanced childhood.

Tasha I’m not saying having a full time stay at home PARENT (key word, PARENT, not just MOM) isn’t a good thing. I just don’t think it’s the the mother raising the child is the ONLY good thing and the ONLY way to raise a child and give a child a “happy, well-balanced childhood”.

KL I can understand the pressure women face to stay at home, but I think there is equal pressure to go back to work. The discrimination faced by women of childbearing age is not acceptable, however, I also believe the fact that men and women are judged for staying home is equally inappropriate. I see absolutely no difference in which parent choices to stay home, or for that matter if they make that choice or not. However, I strongly believe that even more so than women feeling pressure to stay home, there is a stigmatization that something is wrong with a male or female that wants to stay home with their children. Although everyones opinions are different on how to raise their children, I believe woman have faced the conflicting position of being looked down upon for wanting to stay home with their children and when men face the same taunts, it becomes more than they can handle. This has been my concern throughout. I see no problem if either parent wants or doesn’t want to stay home; I see a problem with the workplace assumption that says staying home is a lesser life choice than working, and this is in my opinion a strongly force against women than that of being pressured to stay home today. I do understand the alternative exists, because we don’t live in a black and white society and every choice has many aspects/factors. I just feel there are more factors influencing women to not stay at home, and I feel women should ideally not feel pressure for either, but it does occur and it should be recognized.

Tasha Yeah, the decision to stay at home versus going to work is often a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation when it comes to others’ reactions and the stigmatization with it. People just need to stop judging others’ decisions and let them do what they WANT and are capable of.

Also, for further reading pleasure, an article I wanted to include that I feel is relevant, and has to do with the topic of motherhood. Enjoy!

~ Tasha

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